Tuesday, July 29, 2008

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

TO MY BEAUTIFUL BEST FRIEND THAT I'VE KNOWN SINCE THE 8TH GRADE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LORI! I LOVE YOU!

The Little White Lie

Growing up, I always thought lies were a big calculated tale wound up in your head, twisted and turned and meant to deceive someone for the sake of either escaping punishment or to give someone the impression that you are better than you are. Since I was such a good kid (a test to see if mom is reading this), I never needed to spin such grand tales.

When I was in my twenties however, I met someone who showed me that lying, for some, is a part of their every day conversation and not something that is even calculated but flows from their lips like a song. These people can lie about what they ate for breakfast for absolutely no reason other than it was easier to say that had eggs instead of saying that they had cereal with milk and strawberries and a side of yogurt.

When I discovered that The Liar (as I will refer to him from here on out since that is what I call him in my head), was indeed lying about totally random things I was hit with a mix of feelings...I was mortified and in shock, yet oddly fascinated by this concept of lying for NO FRICKING REASON. Up to that point in my life, I had no idea…it had never crossed my mind…I couldn’t even fathom a person telling a story to someone else that was made up unless it was completely meant to deceive.

So, The Liar, he was good…but no match for me of course. Have I mentioned that I am a good investigator? Not to mention my intuition has always been dead on (just obviously a little slow sometimes since I let The Liar get a few lies in before my intuition kicked in).

I suppose I should tell you now how I knew The Liar. Yes, yes, he was my boyfriend. Uck…ick…eweee…Sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Okay, anyway, yes, an ex!

He had been lying to me for a couple months probably about NOTHING AT ALL when my intuition finally told me that something just wasn’t right. Then, like a gift from the Almighty Himself, I realized I possessed this ability to not only detect his lies, but to instantly prove he was lying. It happened like this…one day, after money had been mysteriously depleting from my bank account and my bank statements had been “getting lost in the mail” (what a coincidence huh?) I confronted him about it. He claimed he had nothing to do with it. As soon as the words left his lips I walked over to his dresser drawer, opened the top drawer which was at a height higher than my vision and I reached in with one hand, grabbed at the first thing I felt and pulled out two bank statements….I glared at him with confidence as if I knew they were there all along, while in my head I was really saying “holy crap how did I just do that?”

I kicked his butt to the curb the next day of course…honestly, I was way out of his league to begin with…he blew that one big time.

Since that day though, I now get similar intuitions about other people lying to me. Not about my friends of course, CUZ MY FRIENDS ARE AWESOME AND I DON’T DESERVE THEM, but I have had the feeling about people who I am just getting to know and it makes me stop and think “should I continue to get to know them?” Should I pursue a relationship with someone who strikes me as less than honest 100% of the time. Are they really lying to me? Do they know they are lying? Why are they doing it? Is it because of me? Or is it just something they do all the time as some sort of reputation-preservation tactic? I have found that as soon as I start to get that feeling, I start to create a distance between us that I can’t stop…the gap gets wider and wider and eventually I push them out of my life for good.

Would you do the same and be okay with losing the friendship or would you confront someone at the risk of embarrassing and hurting everyone involved in order to get to the truth, possibly then still severing your ties with the person but also with the possibility of exposing their problem in order to help them and remain friends?

Who's Who?


Can you tell which one is me 35 years ago and which one is my daughter?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Removed

This post has no relevance to anyone or anything...as far as I know...I just felt compelled to say it. Thanks.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Swinging Doors Of My Mind

From getting to know some bloggers out there rather personally, I realize a commonality between many of us and that is that our friends and family may have never known the deepest part of us if it not be for our writing. For those of us who blog anonymously, they will never know the true person we are.

For most of my life, I think I’ve always had a feeling that people see me differently than I see myself. I’ve never understood why and never understood why I felt misunderstood until recently.

When people read my blog, or a poem I’ve written, or even an email I’ve sent, I often get a surprised reaction from them. They pull the “oh, I had no idea you liked to write”…but I think really what they mean is “oh, I had no idea you had feelings.” I know that sounds harsh, but in a way it is true.

In writing I am an extrovert…someone who often writes with the authority of someone well spoken (and sometimes not). My writing is the deepest thoughts of me, usually thought over and over, chewed on, bounced off the walls of my head, and criticized till there’s not much left and then it goes down on paper after which I usually hate it but that is the love hate relationship many of us have with our writing…it is not about liking it, it is about writing what we must write.

In person, I can’t seem to articulate the same way. In person, I’m an introvert…hold on…hold on…before you argue with me because I know you will…really…think about it…I am quiet and shy (shut up, I am). It is just that I have spent many years forcing myself out of that shell. As soon as I am in a room full of people, my natural instinct is to find a wall but instead I always force myself to a conversation with someone I don’t know usually about a subject I’m not versed. A part of me thrives on the feeling of being uncomfortable…the feeling of stretching socially and intellectually. The other part of me is scared to death of leaving myself wide open in that way. The good thing for me is that my determination has always been stronger than my toughest demon.

Now that I am fully aware of the person that hides inside me, who writes and even sometimes sings, horribly I might add, and that the person inside me is so much more than the person who walks around for the world to see, I know that the next chapter of my life includes finding a way for that person to live on the outside just a little bit more.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Tao of Steve

****Spoilers****

A self proclaimed fat pig, Dex, played by Donal Logue is an articulate and charming overweight kindergarten teacher. Dex was a philosophy major and has learned the art of attracting women by using three rules which he calls The Tao of Steve; be cool, be excellent in her presence, and be gone.

Like most men who want to attract the average bimbo, this works for Dex. But it is not until he starts to realize that only when he is being the best person he can be, does he start to attract the real women. Unfortunately for most men, they don’t get the second chance that Dex gets with the one woman from college that was his soul mate.

The movie makes some pretty good points. Takes you back to your dating years. At one point Dex is having dinner with “the girl” and his friends and someone makes the comment that men want a girl with Lucille Ball’s personality and Rachel Welch’s face and body. As someone who identifies more with Lucille Ball than Rachel Welch, I have to say to those men, good luck…I hope that has worked out well for you. Being who I am has never been a problem for me...Ethel and I have never had a problem getting a date on a Friday night.

As we grow older and wiser, we realize as women that the men who “retreat” in order to attract us, in the end just bore us to death. They are too insecure with who they are to put it out there on the table. While they are still playing games, we are moving on to the real men who are honest and know a good Lucy when they find one.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I Guess I Just Needed To Be Reminded

Thanks ladies...for your comments on the previous post...

You've made me realize that I have to find my own moments of authenticity in everything I do, every day...that yes, it is a constant struggle but that maybe I need to change my definition of authenticity and not be so hard on myself about it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Authenticity

Are you willing to give up and not look back with any regret on the life that you have planned in order to live the life that you were born for...the life that waits for you? Do people do this? Do they come to a cross roads in life and wake up one day and say "I quit" and start a new, more authentic life? A life that fulfills every aching need inside them? Is that selfish? Is it the only way to live? Do people wake up one day to realize that everything they've worked for can be burned, sold, given away, broken, lost, or stolen from them and that none of it matters? Are those people who do that real or are those people only on the Oprah show?

She Loves Her Brother