What Matters Most...Living and Dying

There is a book that I would recommend called The Four Things That Matter Most. I was going to write about it more in depth today but I'm much too tired to do it justice. The stories in the book are drawn from end-of-life situations but really it is about living and relationships.

Even the most healthy relationships are flawed. I wish for anyone reading this to be aware of opportunities given them to forgive, love, appreciate and nurture relationships. I think many of us are stuck not knowing how to do those things or how to ask for what we need from people. I hope that you learn to complete your relationships. They don't have to be ending for you to make them whole and to not leave things unsaid.

I've not yet figured this out for my own life. Always learning this stuff. I guess many things do not come naturally to me and take effort to find the words, especially towards certain people.

The book says that what matters most are being able to complete your relationships by having discussions around these statements:

Will you please forgive me?
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.

And lastly, being able to say Goodbye is very important when someone is dying or leaving or a relationship is ending.

I've tried really hard to say what matters. Part of me wants to write the authors and tell them they suck because many times it gets me nowhere. But I know that if I never understand why it mattered, that it still must. I can hope anyway. I hope my relationship with most people wasn't for nothing.

Waiting for a Star to Fall

I laid on my back staring at the sky. Looking for the “spectacular” meteor shower for which I’ve waited all week. It was so dark in my back yard. And if it not for a group of kids playing a very excited game of hide and go seek at the ballpark behind my house, it would have also been very quiet. I only saw one. One meteor. Maybe two. But the second one I couldn’t be sure of. Before my eyes could refocus their attention towards it, it faded. Or maybe it wasn’t ever there in the first place. Maybe my eyes are playing tricks on my mind. I don’t know. I can’t be sure.
As I laid there thinking about the meteor that was or wasn’t there, my thoughts drifted to people.

I thought of how some people in your life are like the second meteor that was or wasn’t there. And of how you can never be sure of them. The more you look for them, the more they fade away. And then I’ll remember something they said to me or something they shared with me or something I felt because of them and for a moment, there they are. But are they? Were they ever there? I can’t be sure. And the memory fades.

And it is sad. How unsure I am of them. How I can’t be sure of anything about them. How I can’t rely on my own memories of them because their words became untrue and disappeared from the pages when I needed them. Just like how I believed that there were lots of meteor showers somewhere in the darkness that I was staring into…logically, I knew they were there but something prevented me from seeing them…light pollution, clouds, the angle I was watching... the moth that kept attacking me! I knew they were there behind the black blanket of sky…but how could I be sure? I couldn’t. So I just watched…and waited.

Removed

Mt. Sanitas Hike

Summit of Mt Sanitas (Boulder), 3 mi. r/t, 1255 elevation gain, some say moderate hike, others give it a difficult rating, definitely not for younger kids as each footing from one to the next is quite steep for little legs and you will even use your hands quite a bit in spots...great workout, view, wildlife and vegetation in this area.

To Lighten Things Up a Bit...

Overheard today at my daughter's play date:

Friend: My mom had a c-section. Did your mom have a c-section?

My daughter: What's a c-section?

Friend: When they take you out of your mommy's tummy.

My daughter: Oh, no, they didn't take me out of that section. They took my out of the pee pee section.

Few Pics From Recent Hike

The reason I took this pic and the reason I am so far away from everyone else is because the group photographer and I were standing on a small hill literally watching a bald eagle fly overhead for about 10 minutes while our group stood together not paying any attention to the wonder of it all...I guess they weren't there for the scenery.

Not the most exciting hike I've been on. No water or great valleys to admire, not many switchbacks or rock formations...just a stroll in the wilderness.

My Unconventional Silver Linings

As the idiom goes, every cloud has a silver lining.

Until a couple years ago, the idiom had always reminded me to look for the bright side of things. There's always a bright side...isn't that what people say?

But during the last couple years I have learned some things about myself I never would have expected or known had I not endured many cloudy days. My silver linings are very unconventional and come in three forms...survival, effort and reward.

Often, there's not a "bright side" to my difficult moments in life and many time not even a "light at the end of the tunnel". Rather, I find that one of my silver lining presents itself through the process of merely surviving an unwelcome circumstance without losing myself in the process. I draw a compensation when I go through something difficult and am able to exercise control over my reactions, gauge my behavior, and respond to the situation with as much of my true self as I can. So while I may go through that cloudy day (week or month) without a common silver lining, what actually becomes my silver lining is the gratefulness I feel at being given the opportunity to grow up and out of a formidable and maybe even painful place and be better for it.

Sometimes my silver lining comes through the effort I put forth. I have been in and am currently in situations where I am receiving little to no personal satisfaction or good feeling. My effort put forth in these situations at times seems to yield nothing for me at all. I'm neither compensated, complimented nor noticed...rather I'm quite invisible. My efforts might be for nothing. Who knows? So my silver lining IS my effort...it is in the perfection at which I execute my effort, it is in the love I execute it with, and it is in the hope I have that my effort is being received and for good.

And lastly, my silver linings come like they did during a more recent cloudy day for me. When all is wrong, and nothing is right, and everything is stacked against me...it is at these moments when I most surprised by the silver lining that emerges as pure reward. As I sit here typing, I think of a specific situation...one that threw me off course, taking shots below the belt and exhausted the pleasantries right out of me. Initially, I wanted to knock someone out...I mean, come on, doesn't that thought ever enter your mind? Simply punching someone in the face? Okay, maybe not, but using the term "knock someone out" always makes me feel better when I say it, but I digress. Anyway, as I was saying, this little situation was determined to test my patience, resilience, tolerance, and goodness. But as I began to get over myself about it and I started to let the humor of the situation pussyfoot it's way in, I experienced the most amazing silver lining. Because this situation was a task beyond my capabilities due to time constraints, I engaged in the services of someone whom I never would have worked with had I been given more time and been able to do the task on my own. The opportunity to work with her was just a fluke. I knew nothing about her when we started and by the end of the night, I was thrilled with how much she had shared her life with me. And now all I can think of is that no matter how incredibly bad the day sucked and how much I would love to have had the day go my way, on my terms, and within my control, I would never give up what we shared together. I know what I am saying probably doesn't come out right...I mean, I'm being vague because I have to be. I can't share everything here. It's just that I can't help but think about how fortunate I was to be in such a circumstance to have to solicit the help of someone I never knew I would end up liking so much and someone that would bring pure joy to the hell I had to be in on that particular day. What she shared and the way she shared it made everything worth it and I wouldn't change it for anything!

Wild Times

On Friday night I went out with some of my best friends

to watch Jason Wilder play live. We had a great time.

Removed

Guilty Pleasures

It's been a long week. I take that back. It's been a really crazy long month. So today...ahhh...today...little kid was off playing with a friend and big kid was making up complicated origami magic tricks (yes, she does this in her spare time) so for the first time in a really long time I DID NOTHING!

I went to my bed in the middle of the day. I kid you not. I got underneath my covers. I looked over to hubby's nightstand and spotted a bag of chocolate so I got up and got it and went back to my side hoarding the bag. I turned on...wait for it...here it comes...I turned on THE TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY OF MARIO LOPEZ! And I totally watched the whole thing. Brain cells leaked from my head in mass exodus...I must have lost a trillion of them during the show. In fact, I think I lost them in exponential amounts every time they mentioned "saved by the bell" or said "dimples" ha ha It was a gluttonous afternoon! God it was beautiful. I must do this more often.

Stranger to Myself

Wow, has it really been weeks since I have written anything? I've been keeping tabs on you all through Facebook but gosh this blog has been neglected huh? Well here's the ebb and flow, the pros and cons of the past few weeks...

Getting paid, feeling needed, enjoying the challenge of my new job.
But working long hours, feeling tired, tad bit stressed.

Hubby is holding down fort, making me laugh off the stress, and I came home to a clean house the other day.
But, he's trying to talk me into another cat and he told me that he paid someone to clean my house (after taking credit and receiving my praise of course, ha ha)!!!

I pinched a nerve in my neck and have been in pain for a while...more than I am letting on.
But, my chiro gave me a full massage and I wasn't even expecting it and then gave me a fabulous adjustment and I am sooo very happy today.

I am going to see The Producers at the Boulder Dinner Theater with my friends Kulin and Peter.
But it is on a day that I have deadlines at work and will most likely have to work late and will be flying by the seat of my pants.

I am going to Run the Republic soon...56 flights of stairs!
But I have not trained a bit and it is going to kick my butt (but in a good way).

I am going to watch Jason perform live.
But not til the 20th.

I think I'm going to South Padre for Mother's Day.
But Mother's Day is sooooo far away!

My coffee maker broke.
But hubby went out and got me the consumer reports rated best model to replace it.

I got a new car. (used but knew to me)
But literally pulled the rear view mirror off the windshield on the first day. oops. ha ha

My good friend moved here from California.
But I haven't had time to see him.

Mentally and physically I feel fantastic.
But I think I've gained 5 pounds since starting my new job due to eating crappy.

Big Kid's New Shoes

She's been looking for these for months...$49 hard earned dollars for these eye-blinding high top Chuck Taylors...

I am the Anti-Pilates

Let's just be honest. Okay? If I go long enough without looking in the mirror I completely forget that I don't look like Jennifer Aniston. I like forgetting that fact. I'm okay with looking like me especially since I feel pretty damn good. So why, why on earth do I continue to torture myself in pilates?

Is there ever a good reason to join in on an exercise class that:

1. requires you to wear tight fitting clothes
2. is held in a room with floor to ceilings mirrors
3. requires you to breathe and exercise at the same time
4. uses jargon like "scoop it out"...as far as I'm concerned that's too close to another phrase
5. has you pretending to reach over an invisible ball...I want the real ball...I pay good money for this
6. is taught by someone who is of the Pilate gender...yes, Pilate is actually a third gender, you have to be born a pilate, you can't just decide that you want to dabble in it, or "choose" to be a little Pilate, you are either Pilate or not. When my instructor came out of the womb the doctor said, "congratulations, you have a little pilate".

So this is how it goes. I get to the gym...feelin pretty good. Do a little stair climb with Rockin D, hit some weights and then head over to meet my Lori (yes, she is my Lori and you can't have her) in Pilates. I go in, grab us some green little foamy mats and relax while I wait for the instructor.

Class starts out okay. But I start to feel like I shouldn't be doing moves that require an actual list to get into. I mean, if the instructor has to actually give you a to do list to get into a position, is this exercise or work? Hold on, let me ask my abs of hell-fire right now...yep, they think that not only did they get a work out but they are on strike and would like me to kick pilate instructor chick's booty for last night's class.

I get the whole core thing. Really I do. I'm with ya. I feel it. I'm embracing it. But sweet jesus can I at least try to enter into these moves without the mirrors in my face. Oh, and it would also help my self image if I wasn't surrounded by all the hottie moms with altered images if you know what I mean because my natural body doesn't reflect in those mirros like theirs do. I also don't have their cute little pilate outfits! Actually, who am I kidding, they look really good and I look completely ridiculous.

So while I do recognize that I am working muscles that I have forgotten even existed, I have to say that my body is not made for this. I was born to not do pilates. When I came out of the womb the doctor said, "congratulations, it's an anti-pilates."

Overheard in the Women's Department at Macy's

Husband to his wife (in their 70's): "Honey, this is it...this is the exact dress that you were wearing in my dream! You looked so beautiful. Will you try it on for me?"

My heart skipped a beat as I overheard his excitement for how much he still loved her after all these years of marriage. Well, I'm assuming that's the case anyway...I mean, I suppose it's possible she's his mistress and his poor wife is at home all alone but that's not very fun now is it? So I'm going with the first thought.

Wild About Jason

I took this picture!

I’ve been meaning to write about this guy since late August when I heard him perform live at a wedding in Estes Park Colorado. His name is Jason Wilder and he’s got this beautiful sultry voice that could rock your world if you listen to him live in a little smoky dive bar in the high country or could send you dreaming sweet dreams if he sang you softly to sleep.

He combines elements of the classic singer-songwriter sound with modern rock, pop, and folk. He has a wide range of vocal ability and I could see him singing songs across many genres. He is one with the guitar, comfortably unplugged and acoustically talented.

At the wedding reception I had a chance to sit and get acquainted with him. He comes across quite shy and is very humble about his talent. But I don’t have to be humble about his talent or the fact that he is oh so adorable…just look at that face…gotta love those dimples!

I think what becomes instantly obvious when you watch Jason perform is that his heart is in it. He sings from places deep within. He pours his own experience into a song even if it is a cover and not one of his own.

He has this “ just crawled out of bed” look going on, probably because he had actually just crawled out of bed, but it works for him. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to comb his hair or run my fingers through it! Ha ha

If you find yourself in Estes Park, I highly recommend checking out the music scene and tracking him down to see him live.

If you are a fan of Jason's please leave a comment on this blog post...Jason will see it...he's now a fan of my blog (ha ha, I know you are laughing your ass off now Jason).