The Longest Most Difficult Lesson...Turning the Other Cheek

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, Do not resist one who is evil. But if any one strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also; and if any one would sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well; and if any one forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to him who begs from you, and do not refuse him who would borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…" (Matthew 5:38:45 RSV)

I have often wondered just how far the famous "turn the other cheek" instruction from Jesus should go in everyday life. Does it mean that we must allow ourselves to be defenseless victims of repetitive harm or wrongdoing? I don't think so. But how do we turn the other cheek and still keep our dignity? As someone who can be sharp tongued and quick with comebacks, I’ve questioned what relationships I’ve stunted by not turning the other cheek in the past and this led me to explore the idea further.

In a perfect relationship in a perfect world, both people involved would turn the other cheek in every negative situation presented...thus opening up the relationship to its full potential. Love, as the first priority, in my opinion, leads to love being the only priority, thus it would not be possible for anything negative in the way of feelings, words or actions to come in to play. All negativity would be squashed by the loving act of turning the cheek. In fact, at each instance I think value and trust would actually be created and built into the relationship and the relationship would grow stronger. Each time you showed the other person that in fact, you love them so much that their words or actions can’t lessen your love, then you now hopefully have earned their trust and their love even more. The negative then actually becomes a positive right? However, if the cheek is not turned, then a negative is added on top of the original negative word/action and then the problem, however small at first, becomes compounded and exacerbated. Turning or not turning the other cheek has an exponentially positive or negative effect depending on which you choose. That’s the amazing…and totally scary thing.

So let us though, get to reality. Reality is that it is incredibly rare for both people in a relationship to have the emotional intelligence and be emotionally mature and seasoned enough to turn the other cheek and understand its exponential effects on the relationship. My thoughts as of recent are that I can only control myself in this. So I ask these questions…is there good to be found in being the only person turning the cheek? Does it make me happy or does it make me resentful to turn my cheek even if it is not reciprocated or acknowledged? Can I do it consistently without any expectations from the other person? These are questions I have asked myself. I don’t know if an answer can be found in scripture, but I set out to find my own real world answer.

First, let’s just acknowledge that turning the other cheek is damn hard. And first things first...check your pride at the door...no room for it here. You are going to regurgitate and swallow your pride a thousand times in this process. It totally sucks to be hurt. It totally sucks to focus on someone hurting you over and over with no apology and no acknowledgement of your pain. And it totally sucks to hand them your heart, once again, while you are still in pain. But I’m going to attempt to make the case for doing it anyway.

At first I kind of felt like a chump each time I turned my cheek to someone. I felt walked on…like I was ALLOWING this person to treat me in a way that is unacceptable. But over time, something started to happen. Turning the other cheek started to feel liberating. With people whom I wasn't close or just getting to know, I focused on the possibility that this person could turn out to be a very very good friend…and...would I want to hurt a good friend? By turning the other cheek to them, I started to feel liberated from their actions instead of feeling pain. By handing them the power to hurt me again, I actually take that power away from them. Weird, I know. I don’t know how to explain how or why it occurs...it is just healing and the sole responsibility has been on me. Now, that is not to say that I don’t feel the initial sting of what they did to me. I do. I am human. I feel it and it hurts…and in many cases it hurts badly. I find myself wanting to explain to them how much they are hurting me but that seems to set me back in the process. That puts responsibility on them and takes it away from me and that isn't really fair at this juncture since they don't understand what I am trying to accomplish. The important thing to remember is that at the end of the day my mind and my heart have only my own actions to be accountable for. If I have always turned my cheek to someone, at the end of the day, my mind and heart are happy….my mind and heart are strong and healthy…my mind and heart are at peace…AND GET THIS…my mind and heart are totally in a place to forgive the person for their words and actions BECAUSE my mind and heart are not preoccupied by the pain. Again, weird, I know. Who woulda thunk it? Turning the other cheek to the person can and probably should also be accompanied by a firm statement of how you would like to be treated. This is not easy but is often necessary if that person doesn't understand the pain they have caused you....may not understand that their words or actions are hurtful and they may just need the tools to be a better friend. Hopefully, they will embrace your willingness to show them how you want to be treated and will feel your understanding and commitment to them and to your relationship. Ideally, the exponential value of turning the other cheek to someone won't even be fully realized by you because you won't see the amazing way it transcends every other relationship that that person has with others and so on and so on. You have started something rockin good and you have to have faith that the good will be self perpetuating.

So, is it difficult? Yes! And, it can be soooo frustrating. I want quick results. I want thanks and praise and "good job". But it is thankless and quiet and sometimes lonely. It is also a long lesson that needs to be consciously practiced in order for one to be good. Let me just say...I'm not there yet. But the cool thing is that you can forgive yourself for messing up every once in a while. You are building very strong relationships by turning the other cheek…relationships that aren’t going to crumble just because you had a bad day and couldn’t turn your cheek before your tongue got the best of you. And you will sleep at night knowing that you gave everything in your power in the name of love and that is all you can do.

Disclaimer…my practice of turning the other cheek does not apply to mental or physical abuse. So, being the loyal friend that I am, if someone is mentally or physically abusing you…give me a shout because, well, you know, I will totally go beat their ass for you…that’s what good friends are for and that's what I'm doing when I'm not turning the other cheek.