From a Distance

Why do we hold on to the notion that we have to spend a lot of time with someone to be close to them? I like my alone time. I like to have time to think and process. I need to have space and room to breathe and move about. I need to have time with strangers too. Just time with people I do not know who I can react to in an honest way without putting too much thought into it. I want to get to know myself that way. I want to know my prejudices and my real thoughts. I want to know what effects me and what doesn’t. And when it comes to my closest friends and family, my soul mate and my kindred spirits, I'd rather have small memorable moments than long stretches of time with them. I like to "miss" people. I love the feeling of yearning for someone or something (food, lol). And I love the moment when it comes back to me. And I love the way it makes me appreciate the goodbye moment. Distance is not for the weak, the fearful or the anxious. It’s not for those of little faith. It’s for the bold and the attentive and the audacious. It’s for the ones who can hold on to the truth indefinitely without getting discouraged. It’s for those who can treasure a goodbye as much as an embrace. It’s for the ones who love fiercely and exponentially in small increments of time. It’s for those who live for moments saturated with honesty and openness and love and not just for measurable time spent with one another. To converse with a friend while standing in the aisle at the grocery store can be as powerful and memorable a moment as any. To have coffee with a loved one you haven’t seen in years can fill your entire empty world up in 20 minutes. Stop wasting so much time spending time. Time runs out. Moments are endless.

Cut From The Same Cloth

This post is a long time coming. But I warn you now, my thoughts won’t be cohesive. I think I’m done with trying to make my world make sense to anyone else. I’m through with giving you a little Polaroid of my life that contains the part of me I want you to see. So I’ll write what I think. What I feel. And it won’t matter and it won’t be good enough for most. And I won’t care. It’s funny to me that the very few people who know that I write say things to me like “I wish I could write my thoughts the way you do.” That’s funny to me because I really don’t. I really don’t write most of my thoughts and most of my feelings. God, not even close. There’s way too much going on in my head. And I’m afraid that if I write it, it will be true. I’ll have to face it. I can’t deal with that type of vulnerability. And I’m all over the place mentally. I’m a happy person. Whatever that means. I think I just said that so you won’t think I’m a mental case before this post is through. But I am. Happy. Little things make me happy. Like surprises. Good news from anyone. Even people I don’t know. Just good news makes me happy. But I spend a lot of my time also trying not to be devastated over things completely out of my control. Like tonight, I’m driving in my car. And I’m thinking how much I love driving in my car. Alone. Listening to NPR. And a story comes on about a girl who had her lips cut of by the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) in the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). And I don’t pull over and cry because I know it won’t help. But not understanding why this happens, how this happens, how it is possible for anyone that I share this world with, to cut someone’s lips off is overwhelming my thoughts. I’m not even thinking about the girl really. I can’t let myself imagine what she’s gone through. Not right now. All I can think about is the person with the knife in his hand. He wakes up to the same miraculous sunrise that I wake up to every day. And then he cuts someone’s lips off. And I don’t understand that. And I hate that I don’t understand. It makes me feel out of control and powerless. Aren’t we all cut from the same cloth? How can he have so much hate inside him? Speaking of being cut from the same cloth. I was catching up on my friend B’s online journal the other day. He was giving me a hard time for not writing. So instead of writing, I go and read his journal. B writes my story. Often. I love reading anything he writes. Not because we have a lot in common, we don’t really. I mean, yes, we grew up in the same town, went to the same school, and the funny thing is that his dad got me my first job in a law office when I was 15. But other than that, we’ve lived different lives. But his reaction, his feelings, his thoughts, the discussions he has with himself are all so similar to the way I am. And I love that about people. I love finding something in common with someone I have nothing obviously in common with. I love knowing we are cut from the same cloth and even though our experiences are different, sometimes deep down inside we are seeking the same things out of life. Anyway B, this one’s for you. I’m writing. And yes, it feels good. Thanks for the swift kick in the ass. I owe you one.

What Matters Most...Living and Dying

There is a book that I would recommend called The Four Things That Matter Most. I was going to write about it more in depth today but I'm much too tired to do it justice. The stories in the book are drawn from end-of-life situations but really it is about living and relationships.

Even the most healthy relationships are flawed. I wish for anyone reading this to be aware of opportunities given them to forgive, love, appreciate and nurture relationships. I think many of us are stuck not knowing how to do those things or how to ask for what we need from people. I hope that you learn to complete your relationships. They don't have to be ending for you to make them whole and to not leave things unsaid.

I've not yet figured this out for my own life. Always learning this stuff. I guess many things do not come naturally to me and take effort to find the words, especially towards certain people.

The book says that what matters most are being able to complete your relationships by having discussions around these statements:

Will you please forgive me?
I forgive you.
Thank you.
I love you.

And lastly, being able to say Goodbye is very important when someone is dying or leaving or a relationship is ending.

I've tried really hard to say what matters. Part of me wants to write the authors and tell them they suck because many times it gets me nowhere. But I know that if I never understand why it mattered, that it still must. I can hope anyway. I hope my relationship with most people wasn't for nothing.

Waiting for a Star to Fall

I laid on my back staring at the sky. Looking for the “spectacular” meteor shower for which I’ve waited all week. It was so dark in my back yard. And if it not for a group of kids playing a very excited game of hide and go seek at the ballpark behind my house, it would have also been very quiet. I only saw one. One meteor. Maybe two. But the second one I couldn’t be sure of. Before my eyes could refocus their attention towards it, it faded. Or maybe it wasn’t ever there in the first place. Maybe my eyes are playing tricks on my mind. I don’t know. I can’t be sure.
As I laid there thinking about the meteor that was or wasn’t there, my thoughts drifted to people.

I thought of how some people in your life are like the second meteor that was or wasn’t there. And of how you can never be sure of them. The more you look for them, the more they fade away. And then I’ll remember something they said to me or something they shared with me or something I felt because of them and for a moment, there they are. But are they? Were they ever there? I can’t be sure. And the memory fades.

And it is sad. How unsure I am of them. How I can’t be sure of anything about them. How I can’t rely on my own memories of them because their words became untrue and disappeared from the pages when I needed them. Just like how I believed that there were lots of meteor showers somewhere in the darkness that I was staring into…logically, I knew they were there but something prevented me from seeing them…light pollution, clouds, the angle I was watching... the moth that kept attacking me! I knew they were there behind the black blanket of sky…but how could I be sure? I couldn’t. So I just watched…and waited.

Removed

Mt. Sanitas Hike

Summit of Mt Sanitas (Boulder), 3 mi. r/t, 1255 elevation gain, some say moderate hike, others give it a difficult rating, definitely not for younger kids as each footing from one to the next is quite steep for little legs and you will even use your hands quite a bit in spots...great workout, view, wildlife and vegetation in this area.

To Lighten Things Up a Bit...

Overheard today at my daughter's play date:

Friend: My mom had a c-section. Did your mom have a c-section?

My daughter: What's a c-section?

Friend: When they take you out of your mommy's tummy.

My daughter: Oh, no, they didn't take me out of that section. They took my out of the pee pee section.

Few Pics From Recent Hike

The reason I took this pic and the reason I am so far away from everyone else is because the group photographer and I were standing on a small hill literally watching a bald eagle fly overhead for about 10 minutes while our group stood together not paying any attention to the wonder of it all...I guess they weren't there for the scenery.

Not the most exciting hike I've been on. No water or great valleys to admire, not many switchbacks or rock formations...just a stroll in the wilderness.

My Unconventional Silver Linings

As the idiom goes, every cloud has a silver lining.

Until a couple years ago, the idiom had always reminded me to look for the bright side of things. There's always a bright side...isn't that what people say?

But during the last couple years I have learned some things about myself I never would have expected or known had I not endured many cloudy days. My silver linings are very unconventional and come in three forms...survival, effort and reward.

Often, there's not a "bright side" to my difficult moments in life and many time not even a "light at the end of the tunnel". Rather, I find that one of my silver lining presents itself through the process of merely surviving an unwelcome circumstance without losing myself in the process. I draw a compensation when I go through something difficult and am able to exercise control over my reactions, gauge my behavior, and respond to the situation with as much of my true self as I can. So while I may go through that cloudy day (week or month) without a common silver lining, what actually becomes my silver lining is the gratefulness I feel at being given the opportunity to grow up and out of a formidable and maybe even painful place and be better for it.

Sometimes my silver lining comes through the effort I put forth. I have been in and am currently in situations where I am receiving little to no personal satisfaction or good feeling. My effort put forth in these situations at times seems to yield nothing for me at all. I'm neither compensated, complimented nor noticed...rather I'm quite invisible. My efforts might be for nothing. Who knows? So my silver lining IS my effort...it is in the perfection at which I execute my effort, it is in the love I execute it with, and it is in the hope I have that my effort is being received and for good.

And lastly, my silver linings come like they did during a more recent cloudy day for me. When all is wrong, and nothing is right, and everything is stacked against me...it is at these moments when I most surprised by the silver lining that emerges as pure reward. As I sit here typing, I think of a specific situation...one that threw me off course, taking shots below the belt and exhausted the pleasantries right out of me. Initially, I wanted to knock someone out...I mean, come on, doesn't that thought ever enter your mind? Simply punching someone in the face? Okay, maybe not, but using the term "knock someone out" always makes me feel better when I say it, but I digress. Anyway, as I was saying, this little situation was determined to test my patience, resilience, tolerance, and goodness. But as I began to get over myself about it and I started to let the humor of the situation pussyfoot it's way in, I experienced the most amazing silver lining. Because this situation was a task beyond my capabilities due to time constraints, I engaged in the services of someone whom I never would have worked with had I been given more time and been able to do the task on my own. The opportunity to work with her was just a fluke. I knew nothing about her when we started and by the end of the night, I was thrilled with how much she had shared her life with me. And now all I can think of is that no matter how incredibly bad the day sucked and how much I would love to have had the day go my way, on my terms, and within my control, I would never give up what we shared together. I know what I am saying probably doesn't come out right...I mean, I'm being vague because I have to be. I can't share everything here. It's just that I can't help but think about how fortunate I was to be in such a circumstance to have to solicit the help of someone I never knew I would end up liking so much and someone that would bring pure joy to the hell I had to be in on that particular day. What she shared and the way she shared it made everything worth it and I wouldn't change it for anything!

Wild Times

On Friday night I went out with some of my best friends

to watch Jason Wilder play live. We had a great time.

Removed

Guilty Pleasures

It's been a long week. I take that back. It's been a really crazy long month. So today...ahhh...today...little kid was off playing with a friend and big kid was making up complicated origami magic tricks (yes, she does this in her spare time) so for the first time in a really long time I DID NOTHING!

I went to my bed in the middle of the day. I kid you not. I got underneath my covers. I looked over to hubby's nightstand and spotted a bag of chocolate so I got up and got it and went back to my side hoarding the bag. I turned on...wait for it...here it comes...I turned on THE TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY OF MARIO LOPEZ! And I totally watched the whole thing. Brain cells leaked from my head in mass exodus...I must have lost a trillion of them during the show. In fact, I think I lost them in exponential amounts every time they mentioned "saved by the bell" or said "dimples" ha ha It was a gluttonous afternoon! God it was beautiful. I must do this more often.

Stranger to Myself

Wow, has it really been weeks since I have written anything? I've been keeping tabs on you all through Facebook but gosh this blog has been neglected huh? Well here's the ebb and flow, the pros and cons of the past few weeks...

Getting paid, feeling needed, enjoying the challenge of my new job.
But working long hours, feeling tired, tad bit stressed.

Hubby is holding down fort, making me laugh off the stress, and I came home to a clean house the other day.
But, he's trying to talk me into another cat and he told me that he paid someone to clean my house (after taking credit and receiving my praise of course, ha ha)!!!

I pinched a nerve in my neck and have been in pain for a while...more than I am letting on.
But, my chiro gave me a full massage and I wasn't even expecting it and then gave me a fabulous adjustment and I am sooo very happy today.

I am going to see The Producers at the Boulder Dinner Theater with my friends Kulin and Peter.
But it is on a day that I have deadlines at work and will most likely have to work late and will be flying by the seat of my pants.

I am going to Run the Republic soon...56 flights of stairs!
But I have not trained a bit and it is going to kick my butt (but in a good way).

I am going to watch Jason perform live.
But not til the 20th.

I think I'm going to South Padre for Mother's Day.
But Mother's Day is sooooo far away!

My coffee maker broke.
But hubby went out and got me the consumer reports rated best model to replace it.

I got a new car. (used but knew to me)
But literally pulled the rear view mirror off the windshield on the first day. oops. ha ha

My good friend moved here from California.
But I haven't had time to see him.

Mentally and physically I feel fantastic.
But I think I've gained 5 pounds since starting my new job due to eating crappy.

Big Kid's New Shoes

She's been looking for these for months...$49 hard earned dollars for these eye-blinding high top Chuck Taylors...

I am the Anti-Pilates

Let's just be honest. Okay? If I go long enough without looking in the mirror I completely forget that I don't look like Jennifer Aniston. I like forgetting that fact. I'm okay with looking like me especially since I feel pretty damn good. So why, why on earth do I continue to torture myself in pilates?

Is there ever a good reason to join in on an exercise class that:

1. requires you to wear tight fitting clothes
2. is held in a room with floor to ceilings mirrors
3. requires you to breathe and exercise at the same time
4. uses jargon like "scoop it out"...as far as I'm concerned that's too close to another phrase
5. has you pretending to reach over an invisible ball...I want the real ball...I pay good money for this
6. is taught by someone who is of the Pilate gender...yes, Pilate is actually a third gender, you have to be born a pilate, you can't just decide that you want to dabble in it, or "choose" to be a little Pilate, you are either Pilate or not. When my instructor came out of the womb the doctor said, "congratulations, you have a little pilate".

So this is how it goes. I get to the gym...feelin pretty good. Do a little stair climb with Rockin D, hit some weights and then head over to meet my Lori (yes, she is my Lori and you can't have her) in Pilates. I go in, grab us some green little foamy mats and relax while I wait for the instructor.

Class starts out okay. But I start to feel like I shouldn't be doing moves that require an actual list to get into. I mean, if the instructor has to actually give you a to do list to get into a position, is this exercise or work? Hold on, let me ask my abs of hell-fire right now...yep, they think that not only did they get a work out but they are on strike and would like me to kick pilate instructor chick's booty for last night's class.

I get the whole core thing. Really I do. I'm with ya. I feel it. I'm embracing it. But sweet jesus can I at least try to enter into these moves without the mirrors in my face. Oh, and it would also help my self image if I wasn't surrounded by all the hottie moms with altered images if you know what I mean because my natural body doesn't reflect in those mirros like theirs do. I also don't have their cute little pilate outfits! Actually, who am I kidding, they look really good and I look completely ridiculous.

So while I do recognize that I am working muscles that I have forgotten even existed, I have to say that my body is not made for this. I was born to not do pilates. When I came out of the womb the doctor said, "congratulations, it's an anti-pilates."

Overheard in the Women's Department at Macy's

Husband to his wife (in their 70's): "Honey, this is it...this is the exact dress that you were wearing in my dream! You looked so beautiful. Will you try it on for me?"

My heart skipped a beat as I overheard his excitement for how much he still loved her after all these years of marriage. Well, I'm assuming that's the case anyway...I mean, I suppose it's possible she's his mistress and his poor wife is at home all alone but that's not very fun now is it? So I'm going with the first thought.

Wild About Jason

I took this picture!

I’ve been meaning to write about this guy since late August when I heard him perform live at a wedding in Estes Park Colorado. His name is Jason Wilder and he’s got this beautiful sultry voice that could rock your world if you listen to him live in a little smoky dive bar in the high country or could send you dreaming sweet dreams if he sang you softly to sleep.

He combines elements of the classic singer-songwriter sound with modern rock, pop, and folk. He has a wide range of vocal ability and I could see him singing songs across many genres. He is one with the guitar, comfortably unplugged and acoustically talented.

At the wedding reception I had a chance to sit and get acquainted with him. He comes across quite shy and is very humble about his talent. But I don’t have to be humble about his talent or the fact that he is oh so adorable…just look at that face…gotta love those dimples!

I think what becomes instantly obvious when you watch Jason perform is that his heart is in it. He sings from places deep within. He pours his own experience into a song even if it is a cover and not one of his own.

He has this “ just crawled out of bed” look going on, probably because he had actually just crawled out of bed, but it works for him. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to comb his hair or run my fingers through it! Ha ha

If you find yourself in Estes Park, I highly recommend checking out the music scene and tracking him down to see him live.

If you are a fan of Jason's please leave a comment on this blog post...Jason will see it...he's now a fan of my blog (ha ha, I know you are laughing your ass off now Jason).

Happy 2009!

That is such a generic statment. I want to say something else. Like I hope this coming year is filled with risks and rewards and tons of prosperity and more laughter than you know what to do with and I hope you get a phone call from a long lost friend that misses you and someone does something really unneccessarily nice for you for no reason and you pay it forward and I hope you dance at least twice to music that you've never heard before and you create something with your hands that resembles some sort of masterpiece in your mind and you visit with at least one person who changes your life for the better and watch at least a hundred sunsets and you say yes to your kids a little more and no to your job a little more and that bad habit you have seems to be really easy to give up all of a sudden and you find yourself really happy with the way you look and you do something that scares you and you succeed at something you didn't think you could do and you talk to a stranger and find yourself in their story and you write about all of it on your blog.

Removed

Jack Johnson Makes Me Want To...

(yes, I know most of these have nothing to do with Jack but I can’t help what goes through my mind when I’m basking in his music)

…ride through Monterey or Carmel in a convertible
…make banana pancakes and crawl back into bed with you
…learn to play the ukulele so I can play our favorite songs
…open my windows and let the sun in
…quit my jobs, give away my possessions, travel and live life
…wear flip flops to my next job interview and not care
…sit on a beach writing post cards inviting random people to join me
…do anything as long as it’s together
…throw my watch into the ocean
…build a bonfire and listen to the stories of strangers
…give someone a second chance
…read a book in a hammock
…lather my body in the smell of the 70’s Coppertone tropical lotion
…feel something besides the cement hitting the bottom of my feet
…give Einstein a pair of footed pajamas for his birthday
…staple a party invite to a telephone pole inviting everyone who sees it
…paint your toenails different colors while you watch
…burry some treasure and make a map
...make up words and use them while shopping at a farmers market
…unlock the cages at a pet store, run out and see which animals follow me
…find myself in someone really different from me
…focus on nothing but fireflies for an evening
…make new and improved ant farms for all the ones I stepped on as a kid

We Laughed, We Cried, We Sang

I am full of so much emotion right now...okay, and some margarita too.

Tonight I joined a fabulous group of women for a virgin's night of watching Mama Mia. It seems, as we were all Facebooking this week, that we realized that there were 5 of us who had not seen it...yes, yes, I know, how could that be? I have no excuse. What can I say? Abba being one of my all time love them like I can't believe it groups and yes, I had still not seen Mama Mia.

So I packed up my little plate of brie and grapes (my contribution) and headed over to the party. My gals showed up with boas and margs!

I'm a longtime ABBA fan...HUGE fan in fact...so of course right off the bat the sound track had me going. Where on earth did Meryl Streep get that voice? AMAZING! She is adorable and so is little Amanda Seyfried who plays Sophie.

I completely enjoyed this movie...beginning to end. The singing, the dancing, the wonderful cast of characters...did I mention the margaritas?

Oh, did I also forget to mention that Colin Firth is in it? Oh my.

IT was a brilliantly cast, brilliantly silly little romp in Greece! I highly recommend seeing it with your best girlfriends.

Oh crud, speaking of best girl friends...I saw this with my mom friends (who I totally adore) but did not see this with my BFF's (ha ha). The relationships between the girls and the women in this movie reminded me of my other BFF's...you know who you are and you know what I mean and we have to see this together!

Oh I have to go to bed now. I am soooo sleepy.

Me & My Nephew in Montana

The Angels of Christmas Past

I spent my first 10 years of life in southern California. We were Catholic and our Parish was at a pink adobe/stucco looking church. I used to wish I could play the tambourine in the church band. My neighbor across the street was a pastor at the Baptist church. His daughter Diane was my babysitter and her two brothers were my best friends growing up. She used to take me to her church sometimes which was always so much fun. We would sit and listen to her dad's sermon while she took a cotton ball and tickled my arm for an hour. I never forgot that feeling and sometimes now I will tickle my girls' arms while we watch a movie. At Christmas, we would dress up like angels for the nativity/play. Our wings made from Reynolds wrap and cardboard. This is a pic of my sis and I as angels in Diane's church and also us with her brothers Gary and Greg. These boys are the reason I can skateboard, whittle a stick into a sharp knife, make a rubberband gun from scratch and kill bees with it, and are also probably responsible for half the scars on my knees! Between playing cops and robbers, army men, and matchbox cars, nobody would have ever accused me of being a girl.

Diane posted these pics on Facebook last night so I snatched them from her. I don't have copies of these so it was a nice surprise.

I Won't Stay Down

Today I received unexpected and unfortunate news. While I am not really in a place to discuss it publicly, I wanted to share some initial reactions and part of my thought process about it.

There are no guarantees in life. This we know. You can work hard and still finish last. That seems to be a recurring theme for me personally. I get it. Really, I get it already.

I keep reminding myself to stop thinking that just because I try hard that I “deserve” something. But how do you really know when you deserve something? How do we really know that we don’t deserve worse than we have it? So I still try to maintain the thought that I am probably getting better than I deserve despite not getting what I want.

To move forward and out of the self-pity (I can only handle that feeling for about 3 seconds), I keep telling myself that my job is not to move mountains…I’ll save that for Someone else. My job, as mundane as it sounds is just to push. Push. Push. Push. I don’t get to control when, where or how far the mountain moves, I only get to control how hard I push. That’s it. That's my job.

I can choose every day to push or not to push. Succeed or fail. And if at the end of the day I have failed, I go to bed and wake up to another chance to do it all over again and hopefully get it right.

Reality, for me anyway, is that all my pushing will amount only to what life decides to hand me. Nothing more, nothing less. But if I don’t push, life hands me nothing at all. If I don’t push, I fail.

Today a mountain moved and it feels like it moved backward. I pushed and life pushed back, set me in my place and said “now whatcha gonna do?”

I probably should be crying right now. Angry at life. Upset that my hard work didn’t deserve failure.

But I’ve been here all too often. All too often to know that self-pity get’s me nowhere. And for some reason, the moment I got the bad news, I felt a sense of peace about it. Not because I want to accept it or pretend that I am stronger than I am, but because I know from experience that everything involved in this process is good. Strangely, for me, good comes from the processing of bad news. Yeah, I know that doesn’t sound fun. But it’s okay and I’m okay. In fact, I’m probably doing better than I deserve.

Today life knocked me down but I am reminded of the abundance of blessings in my life. Blessings too numerous to let this stop me.

I sincerely hope that you are all having a great holiday. I am thinking of each and every one of you and how much you have blessed my life this year.

Well, I better get back to pushing...

The i Was Following Me

So I'm walking through Costco yesterday and out of the corner of my eye...or "I" rather...I see a Jane Austen DVD and it catches my attention immediately because in very very tiny print, I see that they have spelled Austen incorrectly on this DVD (can you see it in the pic?). Unbelievable! They messed up the name of one of the most read and most beloved writers! How does this happen? Who is the copy editor? Did they even have one? Dear Heavens, the single most important word on the entire DVD is Austen! It haunted me throughout Costco. I wanted to go back with a red Sharpie and circle the typo on all the DVDs.

Band Concert

Rock on.

Once in a Lifetime Opportunity

What is the epitome of a once in a lifetime opportunity? Is there something that you picture in your mind, some illustration of the perfect example of a once in a lifetime opportunity? I can think of many, but none more befitting than the example of flying to the moon. I would say flying to the moon is an exemplary archetype of a once in a lifetime opportunity.

So when I dreamed the other night that I had been given that chance, that once in a lifetime chance to fly to the moon, can you imagine my disappointment when I completely screwed up the mission?

The trip to the moon cost the USA a mere billion dollars in my dream (probably somewhat accurate in real life I imagine) and took 3 years to plan. In one single moment of stupidity, I ruined the entire mission. Failure of epic proportion! Any guesses how?

I dropped my shoe. Yes, while soaring through the earth's stratosphere, my shoe fell off and fell back to earth. Apparently, all passengers flying to the moon must be wearing two shoes.

So we turned the damn rocket around and went home.

Now while this dream is probably one of the dumbest I've ever had, I can't help fear that it is meant to represent some horrible mistake I've made in my real life.

By the way, the shoe I dropped was a black Chuck Taylor.

What Scares Me Most

What's to stop them from coming out with Wii Sex?

One Hour and Twenty-one Minutes

That's how much time it took me to write this poem. No revisions. No time.

Today I stumbled across a poetry contest. The Best American Poetry Poem Challenge.

Do I dare? The deadline is Dec. 5th. Today is Dec. 4th. What are the rules?

Rules: In a nutshell, write an inaugural ode! 4 quatrains, 16 lines total. And here's the hard part....you must include one line from another poem in the 2008 book of Best American Poetry AND you must include three of the following words - honor, integrity, faith, hope, change, power.

So, without further ado, here's what I came up with. What do you think? Honest opinions welcome.

Ode to a Campaign of Hope

Germinating from neither ruffles nor flourishes
Rather, green lush grass roots from milk and honey
Sprouting from soil of our Fathers who led heretofore
Cultivating in the hearts, souls, and flesh of their posterity

Bringing not forth their axes to grind against broken fences
Nor mud to sling across rows of yielding fruit
Rather, spading bountiful ground with honor and courage
For the soil was a fertile foundation of our faith

Listen to small rocks grind the big one down
Tilling the earth one yes we can at a time
One phone call, one neighbor, one rally, one vote
At a time in history when we hunger for change

Lavish crops multiply across rows of labor
Seeds of audacity budding rain or shine
Blooming through the power of hope
Restoring integrity to the land on which we feed

©2008 – Michelle Hix

Can I Just Say...

That everyone I know is sooo much funnier tonight thanks to the 2 glasses of wine I've had! Facebook + wine = funny. IM + wine = funny. Text messages + wine = funny. Husband + wine = sexy funny.

Although, I have to say that working out at the gym and then eating homemade chocolate chip cookies and wine for dinner = not so funny to my BIG FAT BUTT!

Seriously...I ate a chocolate chip cookie, some peanut m&m's, and two glasses of wine for dinner.

Climbing

Younger Daughter

Older Daughter

Both Monkeys!

Uh...me on the begginner wall as usual!

Rock n Roll

My Scrumptious Nephew!

Unrequited Love

Like a ribbon that adorns a special gift
I wrap my love in pretty words for you
Delicate and amorous thoughts transfer to paper
From scribes within the depths of my soul

Each word handpicked like a flower from reverie
Tenderly placed upon your heart
Will you keep the flower alive?
Will you care for it and nurture it?

Consider my smile and playful nature
They mask deep feelings of sorrow
Deficiency in rapture manifests in taciturnity
Petals fall to the earth as I await your reply

Silence fills my ears and ruptures my heart
I ache with the pain my love has inflicted
My words rejected, evaded and neglected
Alone, unread, they wilt and weep

Will you fight for this as I have?
Will you run after me?
Will you rage against the dying or go gentle?
Will you travel to the ends of the earth for me?

In faithful pause awaiting echoes that don’t ring
Clinging to hope for words unspoken
See me...for I am nothing if your eyes look away
Unclothed of hard exterior, unveiled to you

My words and love are your moments
To covet, to hate, to share
I cannot love them for you
Though I try and it tears me apart

I cannot give another what I have given you
For just like every flower is unique
Every word is exclusively yours
Birthed from my soul and mirrored in yours

Let the moments carry you through your darkest days
May torrents of love spill from me and fill you
And should you find room in your heart for more
I pray that you trust I am an endless wellspring

©2008 Michelle Hix

Clean or Go Back to Bed?

I’m washing dishes in waves. There’s something comforting about washing dishes by hand. Especially china. It’s delicate and you have to take your time. It’s not necessary to be rough, rush through it or scrub too hard. A metaphor for life I guess.

Today is the day after Thanksgiving. My husband just took the kiddos to see a movie. I am alone for the first time in days. Breathe. Thoughts flood my mind today and honestly I just want to go back to bed and not think of anything.

I think I'll do some more dishes and then go try to take a nap.

I Can't Convey The Auditory Pain I'm In

Husband. Karaoke. Boy George. Tony Bennet. Gloria Gaynor.

Peeing my pants.

Pre-Thanksgiving Meal

A couple weeks ago we received an invitation in the mail to share dinner with friends. To celebrate the Harvest Festival/Thanksgiving in 1621, the Wampanoag Indians and the Puritans had a week long feast. Our friends decided to adopt the tradition, invite all their friends to pick a night to join them, and feast every night for a week. Tonight was our night.

We dined casually with 15 others at 3 tables spread between kitchen, dining room and family room. We passed food, shared stories, and laughed a lot.

When we excused the children from the table, the adults sat together. Then the husband and wife (our friends) asked us to sit quietly and not say a word. They said we couldn't laugh, poke fun, disagree or talk back. And then they each proceeded to address each adult at the table by name, one by one, and tell us all what they admired and appreciated about us. It was unexpected, personal, and surely an unforgettable and special moment for each of us.

I am thankful for my friends tonight.

I Love Having Lunch With My Kiddos

Mom: Let's sit down right here and have our lovely King Soopers deli lunch girls.

Older Daughter: I wonder what humans taste like.

Younger Daughter: I ate some skin once.

Older Daughter: Yum.

Younger Daughter: I just burped and it came out my nose holes.

Mom: I'm full. Thanks for lunch girls...always a pleasure.

Powerpoint Presentation

This is a Powerpoint presentation that my daughter did in kindergarten that I found on my computer today. Just thought it was funny. She did this on her own and I found it saved to my desktop and have just kept it for all these years.

(Slide 1)

Abuot My

flamley

(Slide 2)

My flamley

My mom is nise. she sumtimes gives me candey and cack.

My dad is nise cuz he gives me a lott uv candey and cack.

(Slide 3)

I love my flamley.

It is all about candy and cake when you are 5 isn't it?

Where Pleasure Meets Pain

Have I failed to mention that we’ve joined a new gym? Not just any gym…we’ve joined the new super gym that is only 7 minutes from my house…Lifetime Fitness. And it is not a gym, it’s another planet. We’ve been meaning to join for some time now…we watched the building go up and it just kept getting bigger and bigger.

We have the family membership. Which has already proven to be a blessing. While we drop our younger daughter off in the kids camp (equipped with Mac Computers, a full kid size basketball court, huge big screen televisions and a monstrous jungle gym) older daughter joins us for a complete workout. The cool thing being to her that her friends also have memberships so we can have the mother/daughter yoga workout and even the dads join in sometimes. We also see several of their teachers working out. This building is like the size of a mall. It has a restaurant, a full salon, several swimming pools, sauna, steam, etc….an outdoor water park...workout equipment enough so that I’m sure the entire population of Thornton could simultaneously be on a treadmill…basketball, volleyball, rock climbing that makes rock climbing gyms jealous, rooms full of every type of exercise equipment imaginable.

While in the past I would have described myself as more of a “get in, get a work out, get the heck out of there” type of person…that’s just not the case here. This is like being at a resort. There’s really no reason to ever leave this 24 hour world of working out, socializing, eating and playing. It is not just a workout. It's our entertainment!

One of the things I love best about this gym is that all the activities are included in our membership. Rock climbing…included. Kids club…included. Yoga…included. Kick boxing…included. You get the point. It gives you a chance to do a little of everything…which is what we’ve been doing…which is why I am TOTALLY EXHAUSTED AND IN PAIN!

By the way, there’s apparently nothing more entertaining to my children than watching me climb a 30 foot rock wall with a wedgie.

Starting to Love Facebook

I forgive you Facebook.

You are becoming my close friend.

You have reunited me with people I never thought even thought about me. It is so wonderfully pleasing to come home after a hard day at work to find an email from you that says somebody wants to be my friend. And not just somebody...not just anybody...but somebody that I'm genuinely interested in connecting with again.

You see, in helping to plan my 20 year high school reunion, I found and connected with tons of people from my past. But that was me finding them. That was me tracking people down (more like hunting them down in many cases.)

But on Facebook, others are looking for me! People from old places of employment...people from other classes and other schools...people my age and people not so my age...moms and daughters of people I know...parents of kids my kids know...neighbors I never even knew used computers...even a guy that once cast me in his low budget movie found me...blog friends are on there...teachers I know...even my babysitter from when I was in kindergarten...throw in a few ex boyfriends and we've got a party folks!

I think my favorite part about it is that many of these people I would have never gone out of my way to send a formal email (email is formal?) to. It's just been way too long and conversation would be awkward. But on Facebook...you see them...they see you...and you just say hello...how are the kids...etc.

Yes, I'll admit it...I love Facebook. I fought it for way too long. I'm now officially addicted.

Time To Reflect - I'm Thankful For...

1. Family - awesome parents and a sis that's going to be having me a niece or nephew in a matter of weeks! 2. Friends - holy heck I love my friends. 3. 4. Kids - keep me on my toes...the younger one beats me at chess while the older one teaches me to use text messaging on my phone! 5. Health - no sick days here...I wake up feeling great every day and I'm so thankful! 6. Teeth - been seeing my dentist every 6 months for 12 years now...says I have shiny good teeth and gums...all my own and sparkly clean...thanks doc. 7. Obama - can't wait to do this. 8. Good eyes - I think about how much I love to see all the time. 9. My new washer and dryer - they make me happy 10. My neighbors - really, they are my friends too but I still thought I should give them their own category for being so good to us. 11. My Good Luck - I'm a lucky person. So far. No, I take that back, not so far. I'm just lucky. No matter how you look at it. I'm just lucky. 12. School - I'm thankful for my girl's school, their wonderful teachers, and the dedicated parents. It has been a really long year for us all and we made it through some tough times together. 13. My digital camera - it goes everywhere with me. 14. Coffee - one cup makes me happy all day long. 15. Youtube - because I don't watch tv shows...ever...so Youtube is my window to the outside world I guess. 16. My bed - my bed is so lovely...I'm not there very long but it is such a good place to be. Well, I could go on. Not an all inclusive list...just a few things on my mind. Not getting all sappy on you this year. I can't wait for Thanksgiving!

Because Cheese Makes Me Happy

Dear Jane Letter

Oh you guys...this is so sad and funny at the same time. So, I belong to a few hiking clubs. Good times. Love it. One of the clubs is rather large...over 350 members. Now that's not to say that there will be that many people on any given hike...there's not...usually only between 10-40 people. Anyway, my point is that the club is large and we usually receive weekly emails announcing our next hike. If you hit reply to one of these emails, your reply automatically goes out to all 350 people. Get where I'm going with this yet?

Oh man...this is bad. So anyway, somehow this guy and this girl had emailed back and forth privately and then somehow he "accidently" emailed the entire group his Dear Jane letter. Oh, it wasn't good. Not pretty. This is what it said:


Dear Jane:

I won't be able to meet with you on Thursday or anytime. I am not ready for any type of relationship of any type. I have met a lady that I enjoy having a friendship only relationship with. I much rather have a lady friend who I can just hang out with and go places without any commitments. I'm not good at this so please let it be just that. I can't be in a committed relationship any time soon
Take care and be good to yourself,
John


Oh...did I mention that John (obviously not his real name) is the captain of our group? So, as he should have, he emailed us all an apology and resigned. Many people wrote in and asked him not to resign. Here's what I wrote:

Dear John:

I'm thinking that since you have now abandoned all prospect of ever dating again within an earshot of any woman who read that email or anyone she knows, maybe you might find that you have extra free time for hiking now. OKAY....I'M SOOO TOTALLY KIDDING. Just thought I'd lighten things up a bit. Seriously, it was an unfortunate and sucky thing (especially for her I'm sure) and I hope you can make it up to her in your own way (she might suggest something like taking a long walk on a short plank but might I suggest a private heartfelt apology to her...from a distance of course just in case she has a sharp object in her purse) but as for the rest of us, it seems we are all pretty forgiving (cuz we don't have to date ya). Don't beat yourself up over it...we've all been there. Okay, not really, you're on your own, but that made you feel better for a second right?
Michelle


OMG! First of all...can you believe how bad this guy sucks at breaking up? I didn't think it was possible to suck that bad. I wish he would have called me before writing that. Dude!!! Are you kidding me? Seriously? I could have written you a really good break up letter. Jane would have thought you were a great guy despite breaking up with her...now she just thinks you're an idiot. Men!

Damn. You. Facebook. And your little dog too!

“Someone has added you as a friend on facebook”

Oh yeah? Whatever. I’m ignoring it.

“Someone has added you as a friend on facebook”

Caaaaannn’t heeeaaar you!

“Someone has added you as a friend on facebook”

Fine. I’ll take a peek. But I’m not joining anything. Nope. No way.

Poke! Pokey-poke-poke!

Okay fine. I’ll join. But just to see who is on there. I’m sure I don’t know anyone on there.

2 days later…

You have 16 notifications and…….

You have 18 lil green patch requests
You have 1 cupcake requests.
You have 4 (lil) blue cove requests.
You have 2 animal gift requests.
You have 1 their/there/they’re invitation.
You have 1 Christmas tree request.
You have 3 drinking requests.
You have 1 hug request.
You have 1 breast cancer awareness request.
You have 1 knighthood invitation.
You have 1 official Bush countdown invitation.
You have 2 plant gift requests.
You have 1 christmas ornament request.
You have 1 birthday request.
You have 1 chrisamas stocking request.
You have 1 moods invitation.
You have 2 hopia requests.

Damn. You. Facebook. Damn. You.

Status Update…
“Michelle is… changing the bag in her vacuum.”
“Michelle is… feeling happy.”
“Michelle is… hungry.”
“Michelle is… going to go read a book.”

Damn. You. Facebook.

I’m a blogger. I’m not a Facebooker. I don’t have time for you Facebook. Well, maybe just a few minutes won’t hurt.

Facebook...it can happen to you!

Anyone Feel This Way?

Fired Up? Ready to Go!

I think I've been basking in reflected glory. Not to say that I sat back and did nothing...I made my phone calls as an official "Campaign for Change Volunteer", I bought and displayed my yard signs with pride, I dedicated a fair share of blogging to the cause, and I challenged my friends and family to get involved. But I feel like it's the day after winning a big football game or the morning after watching a hit broadway musical, or maybe like I'm just crawling out of bed in the afternoon after camping out for concert tickets and getting front row seats to watch my favorite band live...where even though I wasn't the star quarterback or part of the chorus line or even a real groupie, I want to put on that t-shirt that says "I was there".

As I expected, although not to this extent, the McCain camp and even Fox News are throwing Sarah Palin under the bus, driving over her, and backing up to do it again and again (luckily for Sarah McCain's Campaign ride the short bus). Do I dare say I enjoy watching and reading it? She has been our comic relief throughout the campaign...why stop now?

This morning I read an article about Obama's new Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. It is safe to say that he is a passionate man...to find out how he rolls with it, read this awesome article from Rolling Stone.

He he he... this is so funny.

Boo!

She's a Suffragist at Heart...

Youngest child stayed home from school (went to work with me, dentist and to vote!). So I let her pull the lever today so to speak. Since it is all digital now, she got to touch all the buttons and officially cast the ballot. Before I could stop her she had advanced to page 3 and we had to back track to actually fix some votes. Thank goodness nothing is officially sent until you hit "cast ballot".


On the way to vote we were discussing money and what money can buy. She says to me "mom, if we had a KA-TRILLION dollars, we could buy at least a new house, a new car, and some electricity" (I don't know how candy did not make it into that list but apparently a ka-trillion might not be enough for candy?)

Watch and Vote!

Stumbled across this clip. Thought it was appropriate with the election around the corner. It is how so many of us feel. Let's get it done! This clip is from the 1976 movie titled Network.

Love it!

Going to tell you a secret...shhhh...I love the Beastie Boys. They are coming to The Fillmore with Tenacious D on November 3rd...I don't have tickets but I thought I'd share this brilliant video with you anyway. It's an incredible performance of the Beastie Boys performing live on Late Night with David Letterman in 2004. They start out in the subway and then come out up into the street and then into the studio.